Soup!

Dear Chocolate Monkey,

I'm sorry you don't have furniture or people to cook for. Let's problem solve this. I can send you some inflatable furniture (ships easily). Or, have you thought of using twigs and branches that you collect outside to create a rustic couch that you can cushion with chicken feathers that the butcher was going to throw away anyhow?

Also, I feel like if you told people, "Hey, I'm an awesome cook, better than Paula Deen even, and you can come over and I'll cook for you and you can pay me in adoration and witty conversation and maybe some Maker's Mark!" that people would line up outside your door like a soup kitchen.

(I threw in Paula Deen just for the Google searches, I admit it.)

Speaking of soup in kitchens, the other day I went atop the highest mountain in my village and yelled, "WHO SHALL JOIN ME FOR SOUP TONIGHT?" And the wind echoed back, "I WILL! I'M EFFING HUNGRY." But it turns out it wasn't the wind! It was some dude! So I let him come over for soup. Turns out, I'm a stellar cook. Who knew? I think he may propose to me and/or buy me an Audi TT convertible. Too bad I didn't catch his name.....

I wish this story had a unicorn.

Anyhow, you know this soup. I made it for you once after I saw it on Sammitt's blog. The picture was so pretty. Plus, I like any meal that I can accompany with Spanish guitar music.

Sammitt said he didn't like how his soup turned out, but that's because I think he's a stickler for following instructions, which, in most areas of life will serve him well, don't get me wrong. Listen, if I'm assembling an atom bomb from IKEA, I will follow each convoluted cartoon-illustrated step like my life depends on it. But with recipes, I like to think of them more as suggestions, sort of like stop signs or birth control. So here's how I edited the recipe:


Boy-Impressing Tortilla Soup

• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 4 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 teaspoon tablespoon chili powder
• 2 cans Rotel tomatoes with diced green chilies
  
• 2 1 can black beans
• 1 can reduced-sodium chicken broth (or less if you want the soup thicker)
  
• 1 package (10 ounces) frozen corn kernels
• Coarse salt and ground pepper
• 1 cup crushed tortilla chips, plus more for serving
  
• 1 tablespoon fresh lime juice, plus lime wedges for serving
• 1 cup chopped grilled chicken breast (I get that yummy precooked lime chipotle one from Fresh & Easy)
  
• 1 avocado
  

Directions

1. In a large saucepan, heat oil over medium. Cook garlic and chili powder until fragrant, about 1 minute. Add tomatoes (with juice), beans, broth, corn and 1 cup water chicken; season with salt and pepper.
2. Bring soup to a boil; reduce to a simmer. Add tortilla chips cook until softened, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat; and place in bowls. Squeeze lime juice over the top, then place a few slices of avocado on top and sprinkle with crushed tortilla chips. Serve with some warm, crusty bread and a good bottle of vino. Voila!
   

I'm not crying. Also, there are no Amandas in France.

Dear Loose Marshmallow,

So I feel like this is the sad post. Because I'm sitting in a very empty apartment, where I've been sitting since I woke up at 7 a.m. And I'm rather bored. I don't have a TV yet so I can't watch Everybody Loves Raymond or play Mario.

I've already walked, showered, looked at my piles of stuff and considered unpacking more before realizing there's nowhere to put shiz, experimented with my makeup and called myself a whore in the mirror, played I-don't-know-how-to-fetch with Barkdale, sang all the parts to "What's the Buzz?" from the smash Broadway musical Jesus Christ Superstar, walked again, and -- sit down for this one -- ironed a dress. Truly, I've done all there is to do here.

I know I should probably eat something because I haven't done that yet. And I have the makings of some mean pasta around. Not mean like Chris Brown but mean like the Fonz. Huh? I might be hypoglycemic as I write this.

Anyway, I also have everything I need for my corn and black bean enchiladas. And I have two lovely pieces of salmon and a chimichurri marinade. But who am I supposed to cook for? YOU'RE NOT HERE. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. And the BF eats a dangerous amount of Jack's Links (this is a meat product similar to Slim Jim) and left over Chinese take out, but that's for another post.

No. I'm not crying. Don't be (sniff) ridiculous. I just have more damn hard scratchy boogers from the heat being stuck at like 85 degrees in my apartment. They're making my eyes watery. They're like tiny knives STABBING MY SEPTUM. How do people snort drugs?? I'll be right back ...



Anyway, like I was saying: I don't miss you at all. Really, I'm looking at all of this as a weight loss plan. The I Won't Be Cooking for Amanda Therefore I Won't Be Eating Diet. It's how French women stay so skinny. They don't have Amandas in France.

Honestly, my next post was going to be about how I really don't know how I won't become quickly rotund in Minneapolis. Since arriving I've eaten cheese curds (twice), cheddarwurst, a hot roast beef sandwich and mashed potatoes covered in gravy, mini corn dogs, DEEP FRIED GREEN BEANS (who does that? The answer is this guy), ribs (again, twice), grilled cheese (I don't know how many times), a lot of something truly wonderful called Jack's frozen pizza, fried walleye, and my weight in bacon. It's like instead of salt and pepper the places we've been going use vegetable oil and cheese as seasonings. I mean, don't get me wrong, every single bite has been delicious, but I think skipping a meal here or there might do my badonk good at this point. Frankly, I tried to make the Butthigh fashionable a few years ago to no avail ...

Anyway, I'm thinking a bastardized version of my enchiladas is in order. Which will look a lot like a quesadilla with beans ... which some might say is dangerously close to grilled cheese, but to those h8ers I say, suck it. I'm all alone. I'll probably dip right in the tub of sour cream. The FULL FAT kind. No one is looking but Barks and he's already ashamed of me (see this for a reminder.)

For you, my silly marshmallow, the whole recipe.

XOXO,

Chocolate Monkey

Xtina's Holy Crap These Are Delicious. No Seriously Enchiladas

Ingredients:

For Filling:
One medium yellow onion; finely chopped
Two cloves garlic, minced
Two chilis in adobo, roughly chopped with one to two tsp of the sauce (depending on how hot you like it.)
One 16 oz. can black beans, rinsed
One and a half cups frozen sweet corn
Three green onions, chopped
A handful of cilantro, roughly chopped
Two tsp cumin
salt and pepper to taste

For Assembly:
Two cups-ish sharp cheddar cheese, grated
Six to seven large flour tortillas (get the homemade ones from Food City and you can thank me later)
32 oz. can of medium red enchilada sauce (or whatever you like, or make your own, but why? I think the Macayo's brand is good.)

Filling Process:
Sauteed onions and garlic until soft and then mix in the other ingredients until heated through. Seriously, you can do this.

Assembly Process:
Take large, burrito-sized tortillas and spread with a couple teaspons of enchilada sauce. Fill with about a half cup to three-quarters cup of the bean mixture, about a fourth cup of sharp chedder cheese, roll up and place in a casseroll dish. Repeat until you use all the filling (makes about six). Pour the remaining enchilada sauce over the tortillas, top with cheddar cheese and bake at 350 about a half an hour or until the cheese is bubbly and slightly brown.

Serve with a lot of sour cream and cervasas. Yum.

Cake, Vodka, Fire Sauce and Your Face

Dear Chocolate Monkey,

I apologize in advance if this post sounds like I am on crack. I assure you I am not. Crack is whack. Only dumb donkey faces do crack. I am simply exhausted. We are moving in two days and when I haven't been battling the martini-induced overhangs of the last 48 hours, I have been packing or cleaning or working or scheming. Not the last one, actually, I just wanted that to rhyme.

You, of course, are moving to the other side of the country, and I to the other side of this building. I think we all know who has had more stress in this scenario and her name rhymes with "moose farsh fellow."

In approximately 29 hours, we will get in your Scooby Doo Mystery Mobile
(omg, I wish....) and drive for 26 hours over two days from Phoenix to Minneapolis where I will then drop you, your stuff and your dog on the curb, wish you good luck in your new life as a palm reader and skip merrily away.

Something like that....

I lost my point somewhere. I think it was that I'm tired. So, I realize the title of this post sounds like a twisted Jeopardy question ("What are, 'Things I store in my freezer?'"), but of course, it's just a poetic summary of the weekend.

Let's start with cake.


I made this. Sure, it came in powder form in a box, but I ADDED EGGS AND WHISKED IT. You're welcome. Then, I wanted to decorate it with gum drops, but all I could find in the store were something called "spice drops." I suppose there's no more appeal in drops of spice as there is drops of gum as neither word actually describes what they are (chewy globs of congealed jelly rolled in sugar). All that matters was it was chocolate made with love and we ate it.

Next up came the vodka at your going away slash birthday party. But you know that because....you were there.

I'm a dirty martini kind of girl, of course. *giggle* That's what she said. Wait, I did just say it. Hmm.....Fail. So there was vodka, and lots of it. And people, and lots of them. And Indians, and only one of them. (coughRScough)

What better follows a night of drinking than one of the classiest places open until 3 a.m. that advertises a "second dinner?" Because, really, our country is just getting too damn skinny.

We have VIP parking. P.S. Don't make fun of my boyfriend's short pants.

And then, just like a Charles Dickens novel, our night came full circle, back to cake (because supreme nachos just weren't gross enough) and....this happened...

Please take note of fire sauce packets front and center.

Forks, you're out. You slow down the process. Face, you've got this one.

I promise, one day soon, I'll share a recipe. For now, I think we're giving the Bon Appetit website a run for its money.

Love,

Loose Marshmallow

Your Dumb Ass Forgot Dinner Again Eggs

Dear Loose Marshmallow,

You know I have a fear of motherhood.

This stems from some really deep-seeded crap that has to do with my own childhood and hot Cream of Wheat all over my lap and a wicked side-pony tail that I still believe made my face slightly lop-sided.

But it also is because I don’t know how to take care of things. My plants turn all yellow and wilty. My dry clean only clothes end up stinky and pilly before I just throw them away.

And then there’s Barksdale. Stay with me, this is a food blog.

I love food. But sometimes I forget to eat. I just get busy. Or tipsy and then I go to bed and wake up and realize I never had “dinner.” (People have said the olives in my cocktail do not count. Whatever.)

And sometimes I forget to feed Barks. This happened again last night.

I woke up at around 2:30 to the sound of toenails on concrete and yelled at Barks to go to bed. After about 10 minutes of me grumbling and calling him names and him prancing and shaking (drama much?) it donned on me that the dog was starving because, seriously, it had to have been a full day.

Sack.

The dude already looks like Gandhi, so me feeling like the guilty mother I should, got up and gave him food and then decided I should give him something “special” because clearly he’s going to be scarred for life and become a teenager who runs with the wrong crowd and has a baby momma.

So at 2:30 a.m. I poured Honey Nut Cheerios on top of his food while singing “The unsinkable taste of Cheerios, not a lot of sugar to weigh down those Cheerios! …” (he likes the singing. I mean, everybody really likes my singing, right?)

Barksdale has had Cheerios before. Sometimes when I run out of food and I forget to buy more (see above where I talk about how I’m terrible at being an adult) I look around the house for things that are “Chihuahua Appropriate.” Palak Paneer, no. Vodka pasta sauce, no. Mac and Cheese … maybe, but I kind of want that (I’m also selfish. Did I mention that?) Cheerios are cereal and dog food is cereal. So, win.

I feel pretty good about myself for this because breakfast for dinner is my favorite, so it’s like I’m actually going out of my way for him. I’m the greatest owner ever.

There are many nights as a Living Soloster that I just whip up some oatmeal or eggs and feel full and comfy. Besides, I’m rarely up early enough to eat it at the normal time. (Remember in Prescott for my Dirty 30 when they told us the free breakfast ended at 9 a.m.? That’s maybe a story for another day, but let's just say, I got my bacon in bed, dammit.)

Here’s my favorite breakfast for dinner concoction and you could totally make this.

Love,

Chocolate Monkey

Your Dumb Ass Forgot Dinner Again Eggs

One bunch asparagus, blanched
Four eggs, soft-boiled (this assumes serving two. Sigh ...)
Shaved pecorino Romano
Your choice fresh lemon juice or hollandaise sauce
Fresh cracked pepper, coarse salt.

Just lay a nice pile of asparagus on a platter, top with halved eggs, sprinkle with salt, pepper and cheese, and either squeeze the lemon over it, or for something more involved, top with hollandaise. I've included links on how to do this stuff. This should be enjoyed with a screwdriver. Fo sho.

I Have Vodka and Peas.

Dear Chocolate Monkey,

I admire your fortitude to resist food buying. An aspiring anorexic could learn much from you.

Since I'm not moving anywhere but up one floor to the apartment you now occupy (please leave behind the Miracle Whip... I have plans), my fridge is still stocked with single-girl staples like hummus, romaine lettuce and whole-wheat tortillas -- basically, things that make boys twitchy.

I would like to, however, counter with this photo of my freezer, which is a tad more pathetic. Front and center is a bottle of what I'd like to call proof-that-Jesus loves-us juice. In the back are Special K waffles. They are healthier than most, but taste like drywall. That's why they'll be there for a while.

There is also a bag of frozen peas. Remember that time you made some sort of rice thing with peas in it? It was so yummy I almost had a ricegasm. Wow.... that is not a sexy word.

Unfortunately, because I think I might have early-onset Alzheimer's, I can't remember how you made that other than it was rice, a pan and peas and it didn't taste nearly as boring as I'm describing it now. If you could share that recipe, that'd be awesome and I will [attempt to] make it.

This probably goes without saying to anyone reading this, but Christina is a FAR superior cook than I am. I think she should have her own cooking show. She almost did once, in fact. I'll let her tell that story.

I try to cook, and sometimes it turns out really well and I take a picture of it, and sometimes it looks like charcoaly hot dish so I just eat a block of cheese instead. Sometimes I eat the charcoaly hot dish and the block of cheese, let's just be honest.

Oh, I almost forgot the last thing in the photo. Bottom shelf. Those are ice cube trays in the shape of hearts and stars. Those obviously need no explanation.

Yes, you can put Jell-O in them.

Operation Buy No Groceries 'Til Minneapolis

Dear Loose Marshmallow,

I'm eating my leftover veggie chili for lunch for the second day and even though it's still yummy and spicy, I'm bored out of mind. This is the fourth meal in two days where I've eaten beans and I don't know how I haven't been run out of town in anticipation of the gas I am sure to create soon. I feel like someone should pick me up and launch me like a grenade and then take cover behind a turned over table so as not to be hit with shrapnel of Urban Outfitters and Forever 21 and Christina guts ...

Still, Operation Buy No Groceries 'Til Minneapolis prevails!

Not sure how much longer I can hold out. Tonight I'm thinking of a recipe that involves horseradish, some frozen Panko Breaded Shrimp from Fresh & Easy, broccoli florets that may or may not be safe to eat, and light strawberry yogurt. That was a joke, but now I'm completely serious.

Remember that time we tried to think of a meal that would involve the things we could find from craft services on the set of Maneater: ketchup, cheese, Coke, and ... was it hot dogs?? I think we decided a nice soup was the only thing that made sense. It's so obvious. Melt the cheese, season with ketchup, thin with soda, garnish with the hot dogs.

Here's a pic of the fridge in its current state. It ain't pretty. But it's clean, just for you! I hope you love it and cherish it like the one in millions and millions of crappy Amanas it is.

Oh, here's the chili recipe: (I just make this one up as I go)

Xtina's Use 'Em If You Got 'Em Chili

Ingredients:

One medium onion diced (but I used one plus about 1/3 of one I had in the fridge that I wanted to use up. My co-workers love my dragon breath.)
One or two green bell peppers if you have them around, seeded and also diced
Couple of 16 ounce cans of diced tomatoes
Couple of 16 ounce cans of beans, rinsed and drained. This time around I used one can red kidney beans, one can pinto beans. I like the different shapes and textures. I think you could probably use whatever beans you want.
Garlic powder
Chili powder
Cayenne pepper
Cumin
Black pepper
Salt
Shredded cheddar cheese (the sharper the better. That's what she said.)
Vodka

Creative Process:

I heat a couple of tablespoons of olive oil or whatever oil you have in the bottom of a big pot and then add the onions and peppers and saute on medium heat until they're soft. Ten minutes-ish. For this particular go around I threw in a big clove of chopped garlic and two diced Roma tomatoes because I had them sitting around, but they're not necessary. When the veggies are soft, add the tomatoes and beans. Then I add the spices, which I measure like this: One big handful of chili powder, one small handful each of garlic powder and cumin, coupla teaspoons salt, coupla grinds of pepper, sprinkles of cayenne. This isn't brain surgery. Add as much as you like until it tastes good. You could just as well use that little packet that says "Chili Seasoning," which are right next to the amazing packets that you turn into ranch dip for eating magical trays of veggies.

Then I reduce the heat to low and let simmer until I'm done catching up on the last few episodes of Fringe. I would never pass gas in front of Joshua Jackson.

Top with a lot of cheese. Serve in pretty bowls. Easy peasy.

The vodka is just for drinking. Cooking chili makes me feel wintery, which in turn makes me want to drink vodka and read Kafka (and end everything I sayka with "ka" ka.)

Love,

Chocolate Monkey